happy birthday? or regretful birthday?

有是真的觉得自己很失败..

Last year, because of my childish, i made my birthday full of tears.. to learn from the past, i have grown up and tried not to be childish.. but at the end.. i found out that im as childish as last year.. like i have never grown up..?

All i wanted is to enjoy myself in this special day of mine.. and i really (i swear) i didnt expect for anything.. as i know he is working.. so i have decided to give myself a little treat... to go out and get myself lunch and went to buy myself cakes..and i never knew that with what i have done.. it hurts him..for not doing anything (although i knew that he wanted to) but i really never expected that.. know what? hurting him equals to hurting me..

when i bought the cake.. i had a feeling that it's going to be bad.. but in my heart, i just dont want to have another birthday without cake to cut.. i guess this is call selfish.. and in the end..伤了人。。更伤了自己。。how stupid can i be? no?

another year with tears on my birthday.. and this year.. is different.. because i felt so bad.. so much worse than sad.. but.. really.. heart broken... i knew he felt heart pain too... but to me.. hurting him.. i felt like 10000times hurting myself.. i dont know how to describe my feelings.. it's just.. so f*cked up

有时候我觉得女人真的很恐怖，她可以全心全意的爱一个人，可是也可以全心全以的伤害一个人。当爱变成恨了，可以做出些伤天害理的事情。为了报复。想尽办法的伤害他而得到快乐。难道这都不会上还她们自己吗？ 在我自己的立场，是，可能我会恨一个人。可是这就是过去，要成长，不对吗？ 拿得起就要放得下!这是一句很有道理的话。

女人的心有时真的很难明白，连我自己也不明白我自己。为什么好好的一天竟然被我自己毁了呢？ 我真的是个白痴。大白痴！有时我真的觉得自己太笨了。 他不说我真的不知道发生什么事了。可是，每一次到他对我说的时候都是太迟了的时候，那个时候，就是伤害了他的时候。为什么我可以这样的迟钝呢？为什么每一次都是我自己伤了他？我的心真的很痛很痛。我每一次都会想为什么我自己会那么笨。真的真的很笨很笨。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。

Off Day

Have been working whole last week and I felt happy with it because this is what I always wanted .. Work = money.. i want money..money money money.. eheheheh =D I hope this last till this September, so that I can save up money .. All I've got now only allow me to use a month.. like no extra.. rental and billings.. as well as groceries.. phhiew... but im happy.. I dont know why.. I just feel happy..


It has been snowing badly last week.. I love snow.. they just so beautiful... but again.. i hate to drive when it snows.. >.<


Today is my offday... so both of us decided to go to The Bridges, 'cause i need to get my samsung repaired.. *P.S I love my samsung so much... * and I will see her this coming saturday, sent her to hospital for treatment .. =D hehehe.. i hope she is doing fine... and happy that we actually budget they'll charge me 30 quids.. =) but they only charge 20 quids..which i feel satisfy with the costing.. =D and i super enjoy today... gai-gai with baby..which i felt so in love / loved.. =D he actually accompany me to go into the stores which there were a lot of ladies ..and i mean A LOT! *Aww... i love you baby* waited me to try on the outfits...and stuff.. =) oh.. there are lots of lots of lots of sales!! dang it.. =( i found one sweater which i love so much and it's 20 quid after discount..and now they are doing 50 % more...which means i can got it for 10 quid!!! WTH!! but the size left was too big for me.. =( felt disappointed that there are lots of sales but i couldnt get anything... but anyway.. i felt happy on the other side... cause at least baby accompany me to go into the stores and then waited me for my trying session..


highlight of the day---when we both decided to leave the mall, we decided to have starbucks..as it has been months since we last have it.. =) yay! Caramel Macchiato~~ yummy..and baby's having his favourite Chocolate Cream Frappucino? i hope i didnt spelt it wrongly.. and oh ya oh ya! they actually have skimmed milk and no sugar syrup for the caramel macchiato now! and it's only 102 calories.. oh yes! =D love it loads.... *big big smile

Feel so hungry right now... didnt eat for the whole day already... =) boiling carrot soup in the kitchen now.. ehehe... and yes.. i have to stop right now.. =D Im going to cook for baby... as he's concentrating on his revision... final is coming this wednesday.. I wish him all the best and I hope he's doing fine.. =D

*off*

The first day of 2010 ...01.01.10

Tired tired tired... Went for Karaoke last night and guess what time did we arrive at home? it's around 4.30am... gawd... i was soooooooooooooooooo tired... as last night's function was really...really big... Had some beer at the karaoke session, not much.. but enough to make me fell asleep fast.. After removed the make-up and got myself changed up..manage to go to bed at 5-ish... and i woke up an hour later... took my shower...and drove to work... My eyes barely can open up... but i have to stay alert.. as it's snowing badly... luckily there werent a lot of vehicles in the morning hours.. maybe it's a holiday today and it's snowing as well as it's EARLY! hehe... the breakfast service was............................................EXHAUSTED! which normally we dont see ppl come in at 9.30 am and the breakfast ends at 10am... but today's breakfast serves till 12pm! can you see how BIG was the function at new year's eve? I was really really sleepy when i arrived at the hotel... but once the service started... i dont have the time to even feel sleepy.. ahahaha... im like..so multi-tasking... i cleared the tables, i set up the tables, refilling the coffee, tea pots and coffee pots.. refilling the plates... i manage the hot plates buffet (which i have to run back and forth from the restaurant to the kitchen and from the kitchen to the restaurant .. to refill the food...) and i dont know why.. Fried eggs and bacons are today's highlight... ahaha...they can me gone..just in seconds..and i have to run back to the kitchen to shout for.. 'fried eggs!! bacons!!!' =) the whole session.... EXAUSTING *phiew... It keeps snowing when i arrived at the hotel till i finish my shift.. and the snow was really really thick... the moment i stepped out from the car this morning... i felt icy feet... which my feet are covered with snow.. ahaha... i walked like a hippo... to balance myself.. =) but i felt cute though.. ahahahaha.. Imagine when I walked out from the exit to my car after my morning shift.. how thick was the snow? yes... there was once.. i nearly fall down... due to i dont know what is underneath the snow... the car was covered with snow.. so i have to swipe them off the screen and the whole car.. i cant feel my fingers after removing all the snow.... and both of my palms looked purple-ish... *ouch* but i do enjoy snowing this morning... =) while i was waiting for the engine to heat up... i made a tiny snowman... which... i think he looks sad.. i dont know why... aahahaha... but i managed to find a newspaper underneath the snow.. i pulled it out and then made a smile to him... but...still.. his eyes=( sorry little snowman.... i promise i will make you happy next time... =)

Had a safe journey home... my brunch was ready when i arrived at home.. =) baby cooked us meal... *love him heaps* after our brunch... we watched a movie and then oi oi... i woke up 4 hours later... still i felt so tired and sleepy now... but yeah... 要玩就要付出代价, 吃得咸鱼抵得渴meaning to say.. if i want to 'play' (enjoy--party, drinking, etc) i have to 'pay' , knowing that i have to work for morning shift, but still i want to go for karaoke, and i knew that it would be ending late.. i have to go for my morning shift, as this is how the working life is... this is call responsibility.. i dont want to make myself regret... =)

So.. it's the first day of 2010... what's the plan? ahahaha... i dont know..honestly... well, i wish...

1. My friends and family stay healthy always..

2. Visit my dearies during CNY in Manchester

3. Finish my placement smoothly...

4. Have a wonderful final year back in Portsmouth..

5. Earn lots of money..

6. Go home for my brother's wedding.. =)

7. My sister comes to look for me as soon as possible..

*to be continue*

will upload some pictures when i transfer the photoes from camera to the laptop =)